475 million dollars- I’m watching the news right now. I don’t usually pay too much attention to the lottery, I mean, I’m not gonna win so why throw money away? But when I hear a number like 475 million, I can’t help but let my mind wander to everything I could accomplish.

1. Goodbye student loans!
2. Hello house! (that I’ll pay for in cash)
3. Don’t worry mom and dad (and all my siblings) your debts will be gone- and here’s some extra for your worries
4. I’ll keep my job, but I will demote myself; be in charge of nothing, work 20 hours a week- ahhhh I can feel the stress melting away
5. Throw a party to remember

:Sigh: It’s nice to dream…

I’m officially signed up to run the Buffalo Half Marathon. You know that feeling when something is officially and you start doubting everythingin your life? I know the mileage I can do comfortably, I know the pace I can run without dying, but suddenly I’m doubting my abilities- pre-race jitters. I always get these, the butterflies in my stomach- you’d think that this was a life or death kind of thing.

Plan: Have fun.

What would you do if you won the lottery?
Do you get cold feet before a big run?

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It’s most likely a combination of the move, long hours at work, and assorted other things, but for the last few days some chemicals in my brain definitely have not been lining up and doing what they are supposed to be doing.

How do I know?
1) I’ve cried twice a day, every day, for the last 4 days.
2) I’m looking for arguments- looking for a reason to rip someones head off.
3) I’m having a hard time controlling the words coming out of my mouth.
4) I woke up from a dream and thought it was still happening.
5) I’m having a hard time caring. About anything.

Of course, this is all stuff I’m used to and once I figure out what’s going on, I can control it. I’ve done this crazy thing for a long time. I’ve known that all the screws weren’t quite as tight as they needed to be since I was little. I started medication when I was 18. I went off and back on my medication every year following, just, ya know; to make sure I was still crazy. I know how this thing works.

Now before people start saying “Are you on your medicine?”, don’t worry, I already played that game once this year, I’m not due for another round of it until 2014. Sometimes; all the medicine in the world can not make a person “balanced”. There are environmental factors that play with us too much. There are things outside of our control that make living just a little more difficult. Medicine is a nice push in the right direction, but when shit goes down- shit goes down.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not feeling so crazy that I’m going to run around naked, or do anything stupid, I just know the signs when my mood may be swinging a little too far south, too often.

I’m going to try something new. Diet and exercise have a lot to do with our mood. When I started running I noticed that my mood brightened and yada yada yada. When I started losing weight I became happier and all that stuff. We all know these things happen, right? I don’t have to go into detail, do I? I’ve been eating a lot of crap lately. A lot of breads, and chocolate, and stuff that my body doesn’t really need. So I’m going to try a week without them. A little bit of a detox I guess.

Here’s this weeks plan:
1) Lay off the bread
2) Stay out of the candy aisle.
3) Drink enough water to qualify as a fish

Exercise:
1) Keep doing it.
2) Even when it’s hard.

Being crazy is just another part of life. Just like I have to manage things at work, or I have things at home I have to take care of, my mental health is the same way. I know I am not the only one out there, medicated or not, that understands the urgency and importance of staying relatively sane. And I also know I’m not the only one who finds themselves wanting to hide under the covers crying all day when things get hard. Unfortunately, life is hard, and things will always happen to make it harder than it necessarily needs to be.

A lot of us, are still afraid to say “Hey, I’m crazy, don’t mind me for a minute while I get my shit together”. But I wouldn’t be, that’s called standing up for yourself, everyone needs a break here and there to figure stuff out.  So I’m letting you know; yeah, I’m feeling a little crazy, but I have a plan, and it’ll be fine.

Do you ever battle the blues with healthy living?

Do you know anyone with a mental illness? 

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I’m currently participating in the Under Armour:What’s Beautiful? campaign. I have a video posted on my profile, but this is the kind of thing that I’m better at expressing in writing. Sometimes words just don’t come out of my mouth the way they are supposed to.

When I started loosing weight, it was very simply to be “skinny”. I didn’t want to be fat anymore. I didn’t want to look in the mirror and see almost 200lbs- I wanted to see something much smaller. I wanted to look in the mirror and barely see myself there.  I only wanted to loose weight for very vain reasons circled by social norms.

As I started loosing weight some strange things happened. Sure, I was loosing weight; but my body was changing in a way that I didn’t expect. I thought the weight would just fall off and I would just be a skinnier version of myself. I never thought that I would develop muscle in my legs, that I would all the sudden have hip bones, or that my frame of mind would start changing. Slowly, I no longer wanted to be skinny I wanted to be strong.

I no longer envied super models, but instead, I was looking at athletes in admiration. I felt like being skinny was not going to be enough for me- but strong, now that came with a lot more.  I wanted the confidence, and the mental capacity to say “I can do anything”, I wanted to have a body that caused people to think; she knows what she’s doing. Does that make sense?

To me; being beautiful is being the happiest, healthiest version of myself.

What does BEAUTIFUL mean to you?

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Today my Grandma turns 95. Holy cow. 95 years old. She still lives on her own. She still cooks her own food. Cleans her own house. She walks to the grocery store. Counts money at church. Socializes at the Community Center. 95.

My dad has always said that we will all live to be 100years old. I have no doubt that my Grandma will go far past that. Her body is healthy and her brain is healthy. She takes care of herself. She has never stopped caring about living- that’s just amazing to me. I think so many people stop caring- hell, I stopped caring and it took a lot for me to start again- but she has never stopped.

I’m really proud because I have been eating well, even though it’s only been one day since I’ve been back on the wagon; the first day is the hardest. I hate tracking my food. It takes time, effort, and diligence. I don’t know if any one enjoys it at all, but it’s so important. If I track as I go I can see what I’ve previously eating before I decide to nibble on some chocolate. As opposed to regretting it after the fact.

Do you track your food?

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I didn’t realize how badly I ate last week until I stepped on the scale this morning. Oops. What got me what that I just wasn’t thinking about it while I was eating. We were moving, we were stressed, we were eating on the run, ect, ect, ect. I have a whole truck load of excuses; I came up with all of them myself!

But what it breaks down to is; I stopped thinking about what I was doing and I was eating whatever was available to fill the tank. Eating is not about filling the tank. It’s so much more than that. Sure, I have only once put premium gas in my car (on accident), but my body deserves premium. I was eating a few steps below regular. Once I rewound the tape I realized that, basically, I ate like pure shit last week.

My bad.

So, it’s a new week- blah, blah. blah. You have probably read this on every blog, Facebook status, twitter account and also heard it from your mother, coworker, and cousins sister. Yes; IT’S ANOTHER WEEK.  So let’s just learn, and move on. Of course if you haven’t taken the time to weep a little first; you may do so now. Then move on.

Moving on…. Here’s the plan:

Tuesday: Run 13 miles
Wedesnday: Rest
Thursday: Run 5 miles
Friday: Run 3 miles
Saturday: Run 8 miles

I was supposed to run 13 miles on Saturday, but it just wasn’t in the cards for me. I ran a really good 6.5- but not 13. So tomorrow the plan is to do 13. not necessarily for speed, but just for the miles. My next half marathon is 19 days away, the time is dwindling.

Speaking of weeping; I do this a lot. It doesn’t take a lot for my eyes to turn into sprinklers. I can be scared, happy, angry, frustrated, and occasionally sad. It’s just something I do. This morning I had a good cry. The move overwhelmed me, and work is just insane right now. Plus, to top it all off; I forgot to charge my phone last night (don’t lie, you can relate to this feeling), so I made myself cry. In the shower, obviously, because where is better to feel sorry for yourself? And I’ll tell ya, I felt way better after.

I remember when I was going through quite the spout of depression I was told to cry once a day in the shower to get all the bad feelings out. It definitely works for me- and I was able to get through another day without crying in public or killing anyone. Bonuses all around.

I don’t really know if this is healthy or not; so I wouldn’t follow my lead.

Happy Monday, friends. I hope you’re getting things back on track, or are ready for another week of living the way you are meant to live.

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I had every intention of running 8miles this morning. The weather is perfect, I don’t work until noon. I need some decompressing time. But the move yesterday made me realize that I am not in shape- like, at all. Jesus, Mary, and Joseph; I hurt today. So I’m still debating run today, or rest today and run tomorrow. I have approximately 10 minutes to make this decision.

 You may be wondering what it’s like to be a 25 year old girl living with her parents, and her boyfriend, and their dog. As of right now I can sum it up as; awkward. No one really knows what to do. My parents don’t seem so sure of where the line is, even though they are miles from crossing it, they are treading lightly. Pat isn’t so sure what to do or how to do it. This morning he stayed in the bedroom putzing around until I went downstairs. He needed someone to show him the way. The dog is confused; but happy. And me- well…

Everyone just needs to figure each other out. It’ll all be fine.

We’ve also decided that to help us through this challenging time, we will only be referring to my parents as our roomies.

Happy May 1st!

We seem to have gone straight from winter to summer in the past week. Mother Nature must not be feeling spring this year. I’m okay with it.

Now that it’s May;  a very important date is coming up. May 26th.
1. The new season of Arrested Development
2. Buffalo Half Marathon

 What’s coming up this month for you?

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We moved in here after 8 months of dating. This was our first home. We decorated, and danced while cooking. We’ve played many board games and have built many lego mansions. Our small little apartment has transformed into a dance hall, a dragon den, a home gym, and a movie theater. We’ve sat on our couches gossiping, learning about loved ones passing, and remembering why we love each other.

We became a family in this home.

Now it’s time to move onto our next big adventure. It will take baby steps to get there, and it’s terrifying and exciting, all once- but we’re ready.

Goodbye apartment 13. It’s been fun.

I love that movie. If you don’t; you should watch it again and reevaluate you’re opinion.

I didn’t work out today because, well, I just woke up. I missed a conference call, haven’t eaten, and need to be in the shower in 5 minutes. What I’m trying to say is; this post is going to be a quickie.

What’s your favorite movie that you may or may not be embarrassed to admit?

(mine is You’ve Got Mail)

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This is what happens when I go to bed with wet hair. Yikes! twitter.com/runfordessert/…

— colleen (@runfordessert) April 24, 2013

I went to bed with wet hair and this is what happened. I went to bed with wet hair because I was too angry to dry it. I was too angry to dry it because sometimes when moving even 25 year olds need to have temper tantrums. And I did. So this morning when I woke up and looked in the mirror I started laughing; and all my anger was gone. Until I walked into the kitchen, but that’s another story.

Right now I am in playing chicken with the weather. My running clothes are on, but thunder storms are looming outside. Earlier it started to thunder so I said I would drink another cup of coffee then go- it stopped! As soon as I was ready to go it started again. Now I’m writing this post and I swear on all that is Holy, if it’s not done by the time I’m done then, well, I guess I’ll just have to put on a hat and suck it up.

On Sunday I’m going to run a 5k! This is pretty exciting since I’ve never run a 5k race (I just kind of skipped over all that). It’s in Rochester, and I’ll be running with Sarah, so it should be good! And if it’s not then it’s only 3 miles and I still get out of packing/loading/unpacking.

On the topic of running; I’m really content with where I am right now. These days; I’m just running to run. I run as many miles as I feel like, and then do something longer on the weekends. I stopped training, and started running. I love the thought that I can go out any day and do a half- I don’t need to train for that anymore. 13 miles is a normal distance. I like that on Monday we were going to run 5 but ended up doing 6 just because and it didn’t throw of the schedule for the rest of the week. I’m still watching the number of miles I’ll do total in the week, but I’m not stressing. Yesterday I needed to concentrate on packing, so I switched my running day to today- no big deal.

It’s really nice when running is no longer a strain or something that I need to cram into my life. It’s not a burden in anyway, it’s just part of my lifestyle.

 Is working out a habit, a chore, or something you enjoy?

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Cheers to you too, Don and Meagan.

Yesterday I ran 6.something miles in 66 minutes. The first few miles were slow- in the 11′s and the last two were fast. So the middle two must have been just average- which is how they felt. Over all, it was a good run, and I can’t think of a better way to have started the week.

I’m working 6 days a week- between that and packing and trying to have a life; running is easy to throw out the window. But it reminded me that such a simple activity makes the rest of the day so much better. There were a lot of things that could have enraged me, but instead, I had those endorphins going.

Thanks, Elle.

It really hit me that we’re moving in with my parents. I’m trying to remind myself (and Pat) of all of the positives.

1. Saving money
2. Having time to look at houses and not just jump on the first one we see
3. No more awful neighbors having parties above our heads at 3am
4. I won’t have to go far to meet my dad for runs in the mornings
5. Packing is making us get rid of all of our junk
6. They have a better coffee maker than us.

Sometimes, to take a leap forward, you have to take a small step back.

But, as you can imagine, even though we are doing this for the sole purpose of getting out of this place and looking for houses, there’s a lot of shame that comes with moving back in with mom and dad. So “thanks” to the people who are standing by us, and “see ya later” to the people who are making incorrect assumptions and spreading rumors. How did you know that I wanted to go back to high school?

I’m trying to remember that people only judge based on their own insecurities. We’re doing what’s best for us, and we are so lucky to have my parents who will help us- judgment free. Plus, I can’t lie, my mom makes a mean pulled pork so I’m pretty excited for that too.

Have you ever moved back home?

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